Today is May 4, 2011

Yesterday was Polish Constitution Day!

It has been a while since I wrote something on my blog.
The picture was taken at the 2010 Convocation at Mt Alvernia Retreat Center in Wappinger Falls, NY.

Mental Illness has hit high in the USA, especially with the young. I have suffered since 1966, and took an overdose of thorazine back in 1969 but got to the ER in time. Life has gone on throught the years. One of the statistics mentioned were the young men who committed suicide because they were "gay". Being a teen is diffcult enough without the stress of wondering who or what they are.

I was 14 years old when I entered a Roman Catholic Minor Seminary, it was a bording school. Right from the first day, we were taught discipline of the eyes, mouth, hands...taught the sex was was mad. Since being 14 years old, I was never taught or told about sex in any form. It was never discussed with the superiors in charge of me from 1959-1963 (Minor Seminary), 1963-1964 (Franciscan Novitiate), 1964-1965 (Seminary College) and 1965-1966 (Novitiate again to become a brother. Through all these years, it was drilled into me to negate who I was to the image they wanted me to be. The disclines and disciplina (whipping of self on friday nights before bed time), the Chapter of Faults in the refectory as you kneeled in from tof the who house and confessed your faults, like talking during silence and any other things were mentioned then a penance would be given.

Through all these years, no inter-action between my superiors or me to discuss how life in the seminary was going or if there were any other problems that I was haboring at the time.
1964-1965, I had a complete nervous breakdown twice. I was hopitalized for long periods, but never was told what was the matter with me , just complete silence. Finally the superiors decided in 1965 that I was not priesthood material and was asked to leave and return to the novitiate to begin my life as brother. When I arrived there, the brothers there spoke Polish only and no younger men were there. I felt despondent and asked for a leave of absence, but was refused and was told either stay or leave, I left.

CALL FROM GOD: Deep within my soul, I new that God was calling to religious life, but life changed to suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. Every day of my life, I still hear God saying I want you to serve me, come follow me. This feeling is still with me till this day of the blog.

Then positive things in my life: Became a nurses aide, the an LPN, I joined the Brotherhood of Saint Gregory in 1979 and 32 years later I am still a brother.

Depression/anxiety plagued me...it was the Br. Luke verses the Mr. Luke battle. It is like living a dual life. One would get stronger and the other would be week and vice versa.

It was not until 1966, after the death of my mom at the office of my catholic psychiatrist that he told me that the reason the seminary did not want me because I was "gay". I was dumb founded, I felt that I was not. he continued to tell me that though I was 22 physically, I was 14 sexually.

Life as Br. Luke Verses Mr. Luke continues, the battle. I was out of control as Mr. Luke sexually and it took its toll on me totally. I had a couple of lovers, I tried marriage (lasted for 10years and it was the only period where the BR. Luke and Mr. Luke enjoyed being one with peace joy and love). My wife committed adultery and in 1977 she left and I felt deeper into depression and anxiety. The battle between Mr, Luke and Br. luke began in full force.

My life was not what one would call living. Depression...anxiety atttacks keeps me from going out of my home. Home is my safe haven. I became disabled and unable to work, but finally I got a part time as church secretary. I take my brother to work, shopping and doctors visits for both of us and I go to work, but I was leaving home.

My weight increased t0 34ob lbs. has one gastric by pass, but gained all that weight abck and the two years had a revision done, now I am 260lbs. I suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure,
and arthritis of both of my knees, and back. Am on many meds hoping that they will work.

I say my daily office and meditations daily. My prayers to Our Lady of Poland are constant, but I try to understand why this depression, anxiety, financial problems continue. Most writings that I have read say it is "THE CRoss" that has been given to me.

People(friends) do not want to hear on how I feel, they may understand, but they stay away from emails or phone calls. The support system is gone and collapsed. "Loneliness" sets in.

Yes I see a psychiatrist, therapist and spiritual director, but my battle continues.

I know how those young people feel or anyone who feels life is not worth living. I am 65 and 66 soon. I am getting closer to being with Jesus and Mary. My life had many positives but mainly it was overshadowed with my depression and anxiety.

Mental Illness is something that will not go away, it may decrease, but when someone says, "get over it"....thatmakes me angry. They have not walked in my shoes...I would gladly transfer those shoes to anyone who wants them.

I am today! God is good!.. I struggle each day and try to keep going.

Dearest Jesus and Mary,

Tonight, I come to you as Br. Luke and Mr. Luke and offer you what I have to give.
I come to you for your love cause I do not love me. I come to you for comfort and peace and joy in my life, and hope and pray that someday, maybe not in this life but in the next life where I will finally find peace, joy and love. This "Cross" is heavy that I carry and I carry it as best as I can, but I fall more then three times as Our Lord did. I ask for you presence in my life daily, guide me to make right decisions and assist me to be able to win the battle that Luke will not be BR or Mr. But one as Br. Luke Anthony Nowicki, BSG. This I ask in your name, Amen.

GOOD NEWS: May 18th, My rector, Father Duncan Johnson will be installed as our new pastor at Mt. Calvary Episcopla Church in Camp Hill, PA. I wwas asked to participate and read the Gospel (2 verses)

Pray for me....and I remember those who died needlessly.

Soli Deo Gloria