St. Francis Reflection Room (small altar)

May 27, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend

Last night, the Harrisburg area was hit with severe storms.
The rain poured sideways with strong winds.
Many areas were hurt very bad. Trees down, electric power out in may areas.
It got so dark and sights of funnel clouds forming were noticed.
Flooding everywhere.
My brother and I were very lucky. Our lights flickered, but it was so scary, loads of lightening also. They expect the same for today.

My life has been in shambles.... spiritually and physically and financially.
I am using this weekend to recoup, pray, reflect and study.
I asked my Pastor, why does God permit this to happen to me? He answered, it is the cross I bear, but my health (mental) happened due to the fact my mother suffered from depression and anxiety.

My job as a church secretary at a Methodist Church is doing ok. I have been there since 2004. The congregation mostly is older members with a few younger families. There income has dwindled due that fact. The total amount of those attending church is roughly about 50 people (and on the books, there is 220 members). So in January 2011, I was told that my hours would be cut from 20 hours to 12 hours and work four days instead of five. Thus, it makes it difficult to
carry on financially, but I try as best as I can to keep up with the bills.

I watch the TV and see the destruction from all over the country and the deaths and what the people have lost. It makes my life so small compared to theirs. My prayers are with them and hope and pray that God will be there for them.

Pentecost Sunday is June 12, 2011. On June 3, 1979, Pentecost Sunday, I was admitted into the Brotherhood of Saint Gregory... Robert Stanley became Br. Luke Anthony. It has been 32 years in this community and 31 years in vows. In 2009, I had my gastric-by-pass revision done and I have maintained my weight at 260lbs.
The doctors are pleased.

Today, I look and touch my profession ring..and am reminded of my commitment to God. Living the life as a Christian and religious. Trying to being a doer instead of a talker.

There are many blessings that I have had and I am grateful To Jesus for that.
I also know that whatever severe sins I have done in my life and earnestly come to Jesus with sorrow and seeking forgiveness. I know he accepts my sincerity and What he had done on Mt. Calvary was his sacrifice for all and for me.

That is the greatest gift that Jesus did for all! Soli Deo Gloria!

Fifth Sunday of Easter

MAY 22, 2011

The raining weather for over the week is finally ended, and we have reached about 19 inches, well over what Harrisburg area woul receive for this year so far. The sun came out yesterday and it was 82..and sun for the next week or so, but it always happen in central PA we are prone to severe thunder showers in the evening.

I had a chance to place some new plants in garden in front of my home. I am glad I did it before the week soaking rain came.

Well my pastor's installation on May 18th in the evening went well. It was of course a heavy down pour of rain that night and flooding all over the area made it diffcult for church members to arrive. There was a good group of people that atetnded. Bishop Baxter was the celebrant. There were about 12 priests from the local churches to be with my pastor. Father Duncan asked me to participate in the service and my job was to be the Gospeller. I have never read the gospel at any service(Eucharistic) and I felt funny, but I did it with much spiritual decorum as possible. It went well. the text was from Luke 10: 1-2.

The New Testament reading was from Romans 12: 1-18. This is my haunting passge that Christ sends to me when I need to hear and read these words to get back on the right road:

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sistersm by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual workship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God-what is good and acceptable and perfect............."

God has called a good pastor to my church. He has become my spiritual director and we have had a few chats already. My depression/anxiety still overwhelm me and I do not want to leave the safety of home, but with Father Duncan's direction and he seeking me to share his ministry at Mt.Calvary beginning in the Fall.

The Daily Office sustains me each day, at home and at work.
The practice of Christ's presence in all that do in life is essential to being on the right spiritual road to eternal life.

It is so good to write a blog and express my feelings and thoughts on the spiritual life. This year on Pentecost Sunday on June 12th will be my 32nd year in the Brotherhood of Saint Gregory ( I was accpeted on June 3, 1979, Pentecost Sunday) and I will celebrate 31 years in vows this September.

To God be the Glory!

May Our Lady of Poland be with me
St. Gregory sustain me and assist me with the difficuties of life to be transformed or have a conversion experience that you experienced from one of the world to to the one of God;s world.

May 18, 2011

Today will be cause for joy in my church, Mt. Calvary Episcopal Church, in Camp Hill, PA . Our Diocesan Bishop, Bishop Nathan Baxter will officiate this evening at 7:00 pm to install our new pastor The Rev. Duncan Johnson. They are expecting about 250 people, installation/Eucharist and reception in the undercroft afterwards. I was asked to participate in the service and I was asked to read the Gospel. I have met with a few times and I feel the spirituality of this man. He is a blessing to my church and to me as my spiritual director.

Here is bio for those that interested:

CLERGY
The Rev. Duncan H. Johnston


The Rev. Duncan H. Johnston became the rector of Mt. Calvary on January 3, 2011. He formerly served as Rector at St. John the Evangelist Episcopal Church in Fremont, Michigan. Rev. Johnston was ordained as a Deacon in 1993 and as a Priest in 1994.

Reverend Johnston has a strong academic background. He graduated from the University of Hull in 1985 with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Theology. He then received his Masters of Arts degree in Theology and Mission and Ministry from St. John's Theological College in Nottingham. He is currently pursuing his Doctorate in Ministry Development from the Virginia Theological Seminary.

Reverend Johnston also has a strong employment history. He spend a year between university and graduate school as a British Youth for Christ team leader, working as a volunteer with inner-city young people in London. He then worked for the UK government as an Executive Officer in the Department of Social Security. Following ordination, Duncan served as Assistant Curate at a large suburban parish, a Vicar in 2 rural parishes. At this time he was also appointed as the Diocesan Evangelism Officer by his Bishop, and charged with helping parishes communicate the Christian Faith in their surrounding communities. He then served as Diocesan Missioner in the Diocese of Durham, UK, before moving to Western Michigan to serve as Rector at St. John the Evangelist. During this time, Duncan served as chaplain at four nearby medical facilities.

Reverend Johnston has made numerous contributions throughout his career on a Diocesan level, chairing and serving on various committees and commissions. He has also pursued continuing education opportunities throughout his career, focusing on growth in the areas of preaching, pastoral care and church leadership and management.

Reverend Johnston and his wife Cindy visited Mount Calvary from October 28th-31st, and met with the Vestry on the evening of October 30th. He was introduced to parishioners at both services on October 31st, and was our guest at Coffee Hour.

May 7, 2011 " Feast of St. Stanislaus, Bishop and Martyr
It is sunny and about 58 degrees at 9:38 am

From the daily reading from the "Henri Nouwen " website:

"Right Living and Right Speaking"

To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important tham what we say. becuase the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive neighbors from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, amd when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.

When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Givind double messages- one with our words and another with our actions- makes us hypocrites. May our our lives give us the right words and may our words leads to right life.

ALSO

"Taking Up Our Crosses"

Jesus says: "If anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him.....take up his cross and follow me"(Matthew 16:24) He does not say: "Make a Cross" or "Look for a cross." Each of us has a cross to carry. There is no need to make one or look for one. The cross we have is hard enough for us! But we are willingto take it up, to accpet it as our cross?

Maybe we can't study. maybe we are handicapped. maybe we suffer from depression, maybe we experience conflict in our families, maybe we are victims of violence or abuse. We didn't choose any of it, but these things are our crosses. We can ignore them. reject them, refuse them or hate them. But we can also take up these crosses and follow Jesus with them.

"One brother wrote me on Friday after ASh Wednesday 2006"

When I think of you I find a man of contradictions. You are so prayerful and so concerned for others, yet seems to be a sense of uncertianity in regard to your own self. (I can sometimes identify with those feelings. Both you and I often forget who is in charge of our lives.) I want you to know that I see you as my Brother who loves Christ and His church and His saints above everything else; who loves the Blessed Virgin; who has earned a place of love and respect within our Community: who loves spending time in study, prayer and contemplation. I admire these qualities very much. So today I pray that God will continue to bless your Lenten preparation; that you will feel the arms of christ ever around you and caressing you as his child and providing you with every gift that life has to offer both in this world and in our eternal life of His ressurection.

Personal comments:

As you look at the above picture, it is the "Profession Cross".

1. Profession
2. Right Living and Right Speaking
3. Carrying our crosses
4. Thoughts of what brother thought of me.

1)Profession is made directly to God in the presence of the community. The Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience for life are taken. Besides these, our commitment to follow "The Rule of the Brotherhood of Gregory for Life". Knowing from experience of being in a monastic community, living a religious life is easier to live but your life is a constant flow from the time you arise in the morning through the daily office, meditation, study, work, meals until the end of the day. In a modern comtemporary community like BSG, life as religious is much harder to live. I live in the secular world: work, shopping, owing a home, bills, etc. so that having some schedule for saying the daily office, prayer, meditation and study and being of service as a brother in our local church or...... My personal life when I became a Brother is a "transformation" or " conversion" or "a deeper commitment to God. Brothers in BSG are involved with relationships and families which adds more difficulty, but for me being single, should be easier for me to live a good spiritual life.

2) Right Living and Right Speaking: In my experience of being in various churches, I have heard from former rectors and members of how I changes their lives with my presence of love concern and spirituality. For me, it is difficut to see what they see, all I see is "a contradition", " a very sinful man". The outer me shows a brother and my words speak as one, the inner me shows like I said a contradiction and a very sinful man with no actions to back that up. In order to be Christian, by living the Baptismal Vows which are enhanced by my take my profession vows, there has to be words and actions. Life should be lived fully and in the presence of Jesus Christ, Living as "What Would Jesus do" mentality. The road to being with Christ is long and hard at times. Each day is another day to make positive steps in the spiritual life, but there are days where are negative steps where I fall down and just showing the human side of my life. For me it is a constant concentrating on "The Practice of Jesus all through my day".

3) Caring our crosses: Henri Nouwen really spoke about this. Yes, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I talke three different medications, but most days, I slip ang deeper into depression and aniety hits and I want to seclude myselfm from the world and stay at home and not go anywhere. This is my cross to bear. I need to accep the fact that illness will be there and getting better is a slow process. I have to have the courage and trust to bear the cross just as Jesus carried his cross to Calvary. He fell three times, but I constantly fall, fall deep and it takes me longer to get up and began to carry that cross again

4) What a bother thought me: I have already mentioned some of that in the above. The Br. Luke and MR. Luke need to be complete as one and to live the life of a Brother with words and actions.
This is not for what people will say about me, but for me to know that my Life is For Christ, With Christ and In Christ.

Life continues.....prepartion for returning to our true home, eternal life with my departed brothers and sisters and associates, with Godm Our lady and my family members.

May this day be one of success with Christ walking with me. God bless all!

May 1, 2011

Today is the Feast of St. Augustine

The pictures on the right, the top is my cluttered altar

Sinners to Saints

The Call to Serve
The relationship woth God

Recently I have been reading a few books on men and women who dedicated their life to God.
The first religious perosn, I so Admire was Rev. Peter Marshall, a Presbyterian Minister at a church in Washington, DC. He was was from Scotland. He worked hard in menial jobs and he felt a strong call from God. he was walking on a very foggy day and he could see nothing all around him, as he continued to work, God spoke to him and stop, he knelt down and ran his hand over the area, it was the end of the cliff to the ocean. God called him to be his. He was a great preacher in the pulpit as well as his term as Congress's chaplian. People flocked his church on anytime he preached He was a true christian, one who with his actions and spiritual life was quite evident.

There was Saint Father Maximilian Kolbe, OFM Conv. in Poland during the Nazi occupation. He had a deep devotion to Our Lady. He was arrested by the gestapo and placed in prison. He continued to minister to them, but if anyone would escape, they would take 10 men and shoot them. One day, one did escape, and ten men were selected, but there was one who was married and had children and he pleaded. Father Kolbe, heard him and sought the commander to take this place of the man. This soldier did and placed him in prison to starve with no water or food. He eventually died...and he gave up his life for another!

St.Augustine was the despot, immoral type of man who let his life lustfully and out of control.
His mother prayer for him many years and then a miracle happened, he heard the Call from God and became well know in the CHurch.

St. Francis of Assisi lived his life with riches and luxury. Always with his friends and drinking and carousing, but when he joined to eb a soldier, he fought bravely, but he heard God's voice many times and he left the war front, came home, disgraced....but He knew that there was something for him to do, and he did. He gave up his life, all that he owned, and took on the hermits clothes and offered his life to God. many follwers gave up their lives to follow God and Francis. His community grow beyond words and becam a major order in the church and spread all of the world.

Mother Teresa is another example of being from a well to do family, and she geard God's call to serve, and she did. She worked with poor and her sisterhood spread all over the world.

D. Bonhoffer a Lutheran minsiter went back to Germany during the war. His life was also dedicated to God and did all he could continue to do his work. Eveb founding a group to meet and pray as a community. He and others wanted to get rid of Hitler. They tired and it failed and he was arrested and hanged.

Father Henri Nowen, Roman Catholic Priest, dedicated his whole life to God and others. He suffered from a long time with depression and uncertainty. He had a hard dealing with his own sexuality, to love physcially or the love for all. He struggled each day of his life. His books on many subjects helped others who suffer also. My very best book of his was "The Prodigal Son".

There is also abook that he wrote during his dark night of the soul. He founs hi place with l'Arche Community and tended toward helping on with care and love. A man who truly tried and did his best for God.

Blessed Pope John Paul II......was a man you coukd just see the depth of his life with God and spirituality. His speaking out again the atrocities in his own country and around the world. His enthusiasim for the youth to reach out and become involved..to be a good christian in the world. he showed through his long illness how he kept going on daily even as his health became worse.
What an example of a follower of Jesus Christ.

These are a few examples that demonstrated to me their determination and strength to answer the call without reserve and to serve God completely totally.

For me, I wonder how can a simple person like them follow Christ...though remaining human and enduring the same problems we have, physically, spiritually, mentally and sexually, but the goal was "Jesus".....they did it...

I was brought up as aRoman Catholic with goood loving parents. I loved the church as far back as I could remember. I knew at 10 or 11 years old that I wanted to follow CHrist. The call was evident within me. -I focused on all the services, assisting the priests and sisters as much as I could. I was an altar boy and as i conituned to grow, the call became stronger.
Life continued...The call continuned stronger and stronger....I got sick, left the RC Church and tried various other denominations, and finally joined the Episcopal CHurch. God kept pulling the strings of heart and soul to follow hi, I tried the Society of Saint Paul fopr six months in Oregon, but left. Came home...I became a man like St. Augustine (or even Mary Magdalen)..living life for my selfish enjoyment. Living a life of lust and using of others dominated my lifem BUT God pulled the strings stronger and stronger at me to follow him, and on Pentecost Sunday, June 3, 1979, I became a brother in The Brotherhood of Saint Gregory/

God's call and love is very strong and he keeps reassuring me of my life as a brother, I thnik alot as to Why does God call me? want me? what does he have for me to do? Can I be that of all those I mentioned above.? All I know is that it is important to take one day at a time, slowly and prayerfully. Is it possible for sinner like me to be his most treasured possession?
I think I do...and Br Luke Anthony cotinues his spiritual journey to the best of his ability one day at time.

I am grateful for all those saints during our times as well of those past who dedicated all their beings to follow Jesus. Their life and actions and spirituality still shines with me today. They are the best of the best. We have many men and women right now, who dedicate their lives totally..I give praise and thanks for them and hope and pray that I also can be added as one of the best of the best.

Today is May 4, 2011

Yesterday was Polish Constitution Day!

It has been a while since I wrote something on my blog.
The picture was taken at the 2010 Convocation at Mt Alvernia Retreat Center in Wappinger Falls, NY.

Mental Illness has hit high in the USA, especially with the young. I have suffered since 1966, and took an overdose of thorazine back in 1969 but got to the ER in time. Life has gone on throught the years. One of the statistics mentioned were the young men who committed suicide because they were "gay". Being a teen is diffcult enough without the stress of wondering who or what they are.

I was 14 years old when I entered a Roman Catholic Minor Seminary, it was a bording school. Right from the first day, we were taught discipline of the eyes, mouth, hands...taught the sex was was mad. Since being 14 years old, I was never taught or told about sex in any form. It was never discussed with the superiors in charge of me from 1959-1963 (Minor Seminary), 1963-1964 (Franciscan Novitiate), 1964-1965 (Seminary College) and 1965-1966 (Novitiate again to become a brother. Through all these years, it was drilled into me to negate who I was to the image they wanted me to be. The disclines and disciplina (whipping of self on friday nights before bed time), the Chapter of Faults in the refectory as you kneeled in from tof the who house and confessed your faults, like talking during silence and any other things were mentioned then a penance would be given.

Through all these years, no inter-action between my superiors or me to discuss how life in the seminary was going or if there were any other problems that I was haboring at the time.
1964-1965, I had a complete nervous breakdown twice. I was hopitalized for long periods, but never was told what was the matter with me , just complete silence. Finally the superiors decided in 1965 that I was not priesthood material and was asked to leave and return to the novitiate to begin my life as brother. When I arrived there, the brothers there spoke Polish only and no younger men were there. I felt despondent and asked for a leave of absence, but was refused and was told either stay or leave, I left.

CALL FROM GOD: Deep within my soul, I new that God was calling to religious life, but life changed to suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. Every day of my life, I still hear God saying I want you to serve me, come follow me. This feeling is still with me till this day of the blog.

Then positive things in my life: Became a nurses aide, the an LPN, I joined the Brotherhood of Saint Gregory in 1979 and 32 years later I am still a brother.

Depression/anxiety plagued me...it was the Br. Luke verses the Mr. Luke battle. It is like living a dual life. One would get stronger and the other would be week and vice versa.

It was not until 1966, after the death of my mom at the office of my catholic psychiatrist that he told me that the reason the seminary did not want me because I was "gay". I was dumb founded, I felt that I was not. he continued to tell me that though I was 22 physically, I was 14 sexually.

Life as Br. Luke Verses Mr. Luke continues, the battle. I was out of control as Mr. Luke sexually and it took its toll on me totally. I had a couple of lovers, I tried marriage (lasted for 10years and it was the only period where the BR. Luke and Mr. Luke enjoyed being one with peace joy and love). My wife committed adultery and in 1977 she left and I felt deeper into depression and anxiety. The battle between Mr, Luke and Br. luke began in full force.

My life was not what one would call living. Depression...anxiety atttacks keeps me from going out of my home. Home is my safe haven. I became disabled and unable to work, but finally I got a part time as church secretary. I take my brother to work, shopping and doctors visits for both of us and I go to work, but I was leaving home.

My weight increased t0 34ob lbs. has one gastric by pass, but gained all that weight abck and the two years had a revision done, now I am 260lbs. I suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure,
and arthritis of both of my knees, and back. Am on many meds hoping that they will work.

I say my daily office and meditations daily. My prayers to Our Lady of Poland are constant, but I try to understand why this depression, anxiety, financial problems continue. Most writings that I have read say it is "THE CRoss" that has been given to me.

People(friends) do not want to hear on how I feel, they may understand, but they stay away from emails or phone calls. The support system is gone and collapsed. "Loneliness" sets in.

Yes I see a psychiatrist, therapist and spiritual director, but my battle continues.

I know how those young people feel or anyone who feels life is not worth living. I am 65 and 66 soon. I am getting closer to being with Jesus and Mary. My life had many positives but mainly it was overshadowed with my depression and anxiety.

Mental Illness is something that will not go away, it may decrease, but when someone says, "get over it"....thatmakes me angry. They have not walked in my shoes...I would gladly transfer those shoes to anyone who wants them.

I am today! God is good!.. I struggle each day and try to keep going.

Dearest Jesus and Mary,

Tonight, I come to you as Br. Luke and Mr. Luke and offer you what I have to give.
I come to you for your love cause I do not love me. I come to you for comfort and peace and joy in my life, and hope and pray that someday, maybe not in this life but in the next life where I will finally find peace, joy and love. This "Cross" is heavy that I carry and I carry it as best as I can, but I fall more then three times as Our Lord did. I ask for you presence in my life daily, guide me to make right decisions and assist me to be able to win the battle that Luke will not be BR or Mr. But one as Br. Luke Anthony Nowicki, BSG. This I ask in your name, Amen.

GOOD NEWS: May 18th, My rector, Father Duncan Johnson will be installed as our new pastor at Mt. Calvary Episcopla Church in Camp Hill, PA. I wwas asked to participate and read the Gospel (2 verses)

Pray for me....and I remember those who died needlessly.

Soli Deo Gloria